Since I have become a mother I have noticed more and more how much I really dislike being out in public. I mean, really dislike it. In fact I sometimes feel like I have to mentally, emotionally and physically prepare myself to go out and conversate with people. And not to say that I don’t enjoy company once in a while, but I really enjoy my alone time a lot more. In fact, maybe too much sometimes.
As a writer, creator, artist and a thinker I spend a lot of time in my own head to begin with. In order for me to really think something through I find that I need to isolate myself from most distractions to think clearly of my message.
I was not always this way. In fact there was a time in my life that I really enjoyed being around people…to an extent anyways. In the work force I always tended to do better with working alone. I enjoyed being around my co-workers, but being around the general public dealing with strangers really put me up for an emotional ride. I started out as a cashier working in a shop and worked my way to a detailer in the back shops. I can tell you now, that when I started my position as a detailer, I really found out just how much I enjoyed my alone time. It gave me space and time to think, create and relax and focus better on goals, desires and future means. Fast forward to today, I believe that this side of me has really shown through the mirror as I self-reflect and discover who I am. In fact, my likeliness of wanting to be “left alone” has gotten so extreme that I sometimes go to great lengths to avoid even small talk with my fellow neighbors by avoiding eye contact as I am minding my own business in my backyard fiddling through my garden or playing with my son as we dance through the grass barefoot.
I don’t mean to make myself sound like a grump, because when we do have these wonderful opportunities to talk with our neighbors in great conversation I highly enjoy it. I just struggle with wanting to “talk” or start up meaningless conversations to space time. And then I am brought to think that maybe I just do not like awkward conversations or silence between a stranger and I. At this point in my life, it still remains a mystery as I discover these in’s and out’s of my personality.
As a new mother, my first year with my son forced me to stay indoors due to his intense hatred for his car seat. So, from then on is when I had to learn to start spending lots of time by myself. Most people would think that someone might feel lonely or depressed wanting to be alone, and I have to admit, at first it was really hard. I went from being an art teacher to spending days in the house and at home alone with a sleeping baby. But over time I grew a great appreciation for spending time alone as I learned to fill my time with great inspiring things like reading books on informational topics such as those reflected through topics I cover in my social media pages today. So, really, in a way it has changed my life in a great direction.
I often day dream about one day living in the middle of the woods or jungle without a person in site for miles. A place that I can wake up in the morning and listen to nothing but the sound of birds chirping and crickets singing with out the disturbance of motorcycles, cars, trucks or anything of those sorts driving by every single second of the day. Nor listening to our neighbors getting up at 6:30/7:00 a.m. each morning right next to our bedroom window to mow their lawn, power wash the house, driveway, or leaf blow anything that is reminiscent of a blade of grass on the concreate. But those are the great perks of having neighbors.
Sometimes it is hard (and sad) to say the least, at just how much I do to avoid talking to people. And not to say that it is all people or anyone. In fact I enjoy having one on one conversations with people, or talking in small groups, but once the group gets to be more then four or five people it is almost emotionally draining and I find myself yearning for a recharge for another week. I love being able to feel connected to someone or feel like I can be personal with someone, so conversating in large groups can be almost intimidating in a way at which I don’t feel I can give 100% to those I want to.
It’s hard to decide whether my “introvertedness” is a obsession with being alone or if it is just an annoyance that has grown with conversating with large groups of people or people I have nothing in common with or know nothing about. I sometimes wonder if anyone else feels or thinks this way or if I have just grown cold and stiff.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Or should I be trying to work on these “worse” parts of me to improve my conversational skills and tolerance.
What do you think? Are you an introvert?